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Green Piece

by Lydia Howl

I am all-too familiar with green living. I’ve had so many drug-fueled barroom trysts encounters with patchouli-smeared, hemp-adorned folks that I practically permeated Nag Champa for a good portion of my early twenties. Trust me when I say that the tales I have could make even Mother Nature herself blush.

However, with every youthful fantasy comes the inevitable disillusionment, and I learned that perhaps these sandal-wearing, bearded fellows weren’t the environmental enthusiasts I had imagined. The truth is that there is only a fine line between being absolutely disgusting and saving the planet, but every pizza-for-breakfast post-college bachelor can actually become environmentally proactive (and impress the earth-friendly members of the fairer sex) by following four simple tips.

  • The difference between compost and filth is placement. A banana peel, coffee grounds, pizza crusts, and week-old sushi sitting on the kitchen counter is considered slovenly. Moving the contents to a bucket and keeping it only a few feet away under the sink is considered enlightened. This scores many points with the womenfolk. Of course, it must be removed and used for yard or garden fertilizer. Composting achieved.

  • The difference between good and poor hygiene is one simple word: Conservation. Whilst having a lady friend over, she may notice that the shower is also doubling as a storage closet for comic books, broken appliances, collections of vintage porno magazines and maybe a set of golf-clubs in preparation for that midlife-crisis. Conflict can be avoided by simply mentioning the buzzword, conservation. Instead of high-tailing out the front door from like a hippie from a job-fair, she’ll be overtaken by the selfless actions taken to save the Earth’s water supply. Remember that buzzword? Conservation.

  • Lack of mechanical ability can be negated by trading in that gas-guzzling old clunker with a broken exhaust for a bicycle. Whether or not it ever actually leaves the garage is negotiable. Solutions for pollution.

  • Disguising pain-drowning alcoholism and screwdrivers with your coffee in the morning with being a poet makes the ladies swoon. Hide the bitter taste of failure in organic orange juice. Organic eating.

     While seemingly neurotic, these tips contain an element of truth. Putting these simple tips into action can not only make a positive impact on the environment, but it can also get you some action. It’s obviously a win-win situation. The ladies are wooed, and the trees get a little greener.

    Jocularity aside, mainstream media treats environmental conservation like it only deserves a mere fifteen-minutes of fame. The morning news briefly spouts off about hybrid cars and solar panels and then moves on quickly to the details of the current celebrity wedding. Ignored is the fact that if we as individuals don’t take responsibility for the direction of the environment, the hole in the ozone layer will grow and the plants will cease to.

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